Being thankful for today

This morning for my devotions I was reading through Ecclesiastes. It can be quite the depressing book unless you read through the end. I was reading how that you work your whole life to accumulate wealth only to leave it to someone else and who knows whether that person will be wise or foolish. I read "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the sun. I began to get very emmotional (I place that I commonly find myself these days) and began to contemplate this life we live. What if Michael isn't able to be here for the birth of our first child, will I be able to withstand a miscarriage, what if I go to my next appointment and something is wrong, what if I am not a good mother, what kind of future will my child have in this world that seems to be spiraling out of control ...what if...what if...what if?

I am just over 8 weeks pregnant. I have longed to be in this place and yet rather than relishing in the blessing that God has given me for this moment I find myself looking so far ahead. There are many changes on the horizon, not the least of which is the child we are expecting. I look ahead with wonder, confusion, despair, joy, sorrow, anxiousness but in the midst of those emotions knowing that God is in control of it all. He each breath knew I would take before I was ever even thought of. What a comforting thought. It is such a challenge to me to sit and be still. To, as the writer of Ecclesiastes puts it, enjoy the sun and the moon, to be happy as a young person and live life as the blessing that it is. So often I am robbed of the joy of today because of things that are far outside of my grasp. So for today, I am going to attempt to relish this time. To be still and to see the beauty that each day holds and not glance to the future but fix my gaze on what I have been given today.

Looking backward and forward

I am reading a book that I LOVE! It's called "Treasuring God in our Traditions". I just wanted to share a little thought that I read from it today:

"Memory is the mother of all traditions. Almost all of our special days are celebrated because they remind us of something significant in the past. A birthday looks back to a birth. An anniversary looks back to a wedding. A funeral looks back on a life. Christmas looks back at Jesus' birth and Easter looks back on His death and resurrection. Our celebrations are occasions to look back and remember what God has done in the world and in our lives.


At the same time we are also looking forward. The preparations we make and the eagerness we feel as we look ahead toward a special day are a foretaste of he emotions we will experience when we encounter God in a special way as we celebrate. And that encounter with God is, in turn, a foreshadowing of the great day when we will see Him face to face.


...How would a birthday celebration change if we looked at our birthday person and imagined God's hands knitting him or her together, if we thought of his or her unabridged story written in God's book, if we remember that this day was chosen by God specifically for this person? Ours is only a pale reflection of God's love, but it is one of the means God uses to point our child toward himself.



Tradition -1 a : an inherited, established, or customary pattern of thought, action, or behavior (as a religious practice or a social custom) b : a belief or story or a body of beliefs or stories relating to the past that are commonly accepted as historical though not verifiable 2 : the handing down of information, beliefs, and customs by word of mouth or by example from one generation to another without written instruction 3 : cultural continuity in social attitudes, customs, and institutions

Relief

This morning I woke up with some things that gave us concern. I called the doctor and they saw me this afternoon. Praise the Lord, everything looks fine. We got to see the little person that is causing such a fuss already and it's little heartbeat. I have a second appointment in a few weeks but everything looked wonderful!! :) We couldn't be more happy. I am 6 weeks and 3 days.

Sorry for the crooked, small pics. I couldn't figure out how to make them larger...and got tired of trying! :)

Ahhh...emotions!

So far I cannot complain about my pregnancy. I have been nauseous pretty much every afternoon from about 3:00 on but I am so thankful that it hasn't been the entire day...yet. I know so many people who are just in bed ALL day and very sick. I have however been experiencing emotions that are whacked. Now, mind you I am a VERY emotional person as it is so add the extra hormones and you have a storm waiting to happen. It seems to be worse at night, probably because I am tired at that point.

This Sunday was Mother's Day. Being as I am only 6 weeks along I am not feeling very --mother-ish. Everyone was telling me Happy Mother's Day and I started to wig out. Sitting in church my mind was running. What in the world have we done? This is clearly not good timing? How in the world do I think I will raise a normal child? When I see Michael after boot camp, will he still think I am pretty...I will be so fat? and on and on it went. I was looking out across the sanctuary at the many mom's who were sitting and I wondered how I would ever stack up. It was as if God whispered into my ear..."It's only by My grace". I started thinking about that. Really, how many people have loved God with all of their hearts and raised children with "issues"? I wonder how many children actually turn out as their parents originally envisioned. That's when I realized how foolish my thoughts had been (as some of you concluded at the beginning of this post). I could be the smartest person and have all the best tools at my disposal but for God's grace I will be an utter failure.

So back to the title, emotions....can I really control them at this stage in the game? I know many say that it's impossible ..but with God is it possible? I know that I cannot control them perfectly but can I be more balanced because of my relationship with Him? One thing that has really helped has been listening to an amazing sermon I found on trusting God, it has been a wonderful exhortation when I become anxious. What are your thoughts? Anything that has helped you?

So, we are expecting!

Michael and I have been married for almost 4 years now. Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to be a mommy....a teacher and a mommy actually. I love children, especially babies and I knew this is something I always wanted. All of our close friends have recently had children and it was so exciting to see them go through that but the emotions of knowing that this was not the time for us was also very hard.

People very naturally ask, "So when are you guys having one". My heart would just break and I wanted to scream "I would love to have one now." I jokingly asked Michael what he thought about trying to have a baby and he shocked me by agreeing. I was very excited and really just thought we would get pregnant right away. We only tried for three months, thinking it would take longer, and we were able to conceive. Never had I known the disappointment of seeing the test read negative or having wait a whole month just to find out we weren't. My attitude about it really wasn't right and I was demanding that God do things my way. I took a test on April 27th and it was negative. My heart just sank. I was crying and started praying. I decided (as if I had another choice) that this must be for the best (since clearly God had allowed it) and began to see all the reasons that this was a good thing after all our lives are about to get crazy

**Side note** My husband has joined the marines and will be leaving for boot camp in July. He will then be doing a lot of training until around the end of December. **

I had purchased a 2 pack of tests and for some reason I woke up on the 28th and just took the other one. Actually, I have a weird obsession, if there is a pregnancy test in my house ...I have to take it. I know ...I'm weird. Anyway, it came up positive. I about fell over. I couldn't believe it. In 2 days I have felt the full spectrum of emotions, from sorrow to joy. After gaining confirmation from yet another test and calling the doctor, I began to settle into the idea that we were pregnant.

Michael had no idea of this, since the day before I had been so upset. I knew this was the chance to really surprise him. I had a store in the mall deliver a bib that said "little Rays fan" while he was at work. Needless to say he was very surprised and also very excited. I think both of us were in shock and really still haven't wrapped our heads around this.